cinnamon roll hugs will never be the same

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On Thursday night, I found out that one of my former classmates was in a medically induced coma in an attempt to stabilize her brain and body after going into cardiac arrest on Tuesday night. Friday afternoon, I found out that she had died that morning.

Lizzie and I had a weird relationship. In 10th grade, her friend group kind of disintegrated. Chloe and Lauren became closer to Abby and Jamie, Greta left to go to Tabor, and Isabelle and Lizzie couldn’t manage being a duo. I reached out to Lizzie constantly, inviting her over before dances, asking her to join our Secret Santa and Easter Basket exchanges. Once she became friends with my group (Betsy, Jess, Christina, Caity, Summer, Savannah, and Katherine, at that time), she started blocking me out. I wouldn’t get invited to things. Junior year, she invited nearly my entire grade, as well as quite a few people from the two grades above and below us, over to her house for a Christmas party. I was excluded. Senior year, after Abby’s annual gingerbread making party, most people went to the swing dancing lesson she coordinated. Once again, I was excluded.

It was clear that she was trying to replace me in that group of friends, and she definitely succeeded. But everyone always talked about how lovely and kind-hearted and caring and genuine she was. I never did, and never will, understand why she didn’t like me.

In the last half of senior year, I tried to move past it. I stopped resenting her and I made an honest effort to talk with her if we were both in the locker area, as awkward as it usually was. If we were in a group and I responded to something she said, she would ignore it. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me. To this day, it was the strangest relationship I’ve had with anyone.

So now I’m in a weird place. People know we didn’t get along. We didn’t leave off in a hostile way, just a… “we aren’t friends” way. If I post something about it, I feel like people will take a “you can’t be sad, you guys weren’t friends” approach. But I also don’t want people to be like “one of our classmates died and you didn’t say anything about it?”.

Am I sad? Of course. But am I hurting as much as others are? No. Is that a bad thing to say? I don’t know.

Rest sweetly, Lizzie.

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